The long break from school gives parents the opportunity to mull over all the things that drive them mad with their child’s school. Alternatively, parents also have the opportunity to kvell about how wonderful their particular mosod is. Whatever group you belong to, the first place to look when it comes to the relationship between home and school is a mirror.
There is a clever illustration that compares a school’s parents evening in the past with what goes on today. In days long ago, parents accepted the narrative presented to them by the class teacher. Today’s scene is arguably different. Parents can often be seen berating the teacher for condemning their child. Of course an increase in chutzpeh is not necessarily bad. The Gemoro teaches that in the dor of Moshiach, chutzpeh will increase!
Recently I heard a worrying story from a dear friend and colleague . A parent complained to a school for the humiliation their child would suffer had they received a prize in the annual prize day. The problem was, that the child didn’t enjoy the subject and therefore they didn’t want their child to be given an award. When I heard this I shuddered as a small explosion engulfed my insides. As a teacher with two decades of classroom experience, I have noticed a shift in the way students present themselves in class. All the evils of the modern world cannot be neatly blamed on technology as some like to suggest. Some problems begin in the home and the way younger parents are bringing up children today.
The truth is, Gedolim of the past already alerted us to certain problems. The heiliger Rebbe of Piaseczna in Chovas Ha’Talmidim writes
There are certain issues for which a mild warning is sufficient, and there are others that require additional explanations and double warnings." The issue that we are about to discuss falls into the latter category. The Gemoro teaches us, that if a mitzvah comes our way, we should not let the opportunity slip by. It goes without saying that if missing out on one mitzvah is a negative thing for which one must do teshuvah, then totally missing out on one's entire self and all that he is capable of accomplishing must be so terrible that there is hardly any teshuvah one can do to atone for it. Unfortunately, there are many young people who are afflicted with this problem. We cautioned you against relying on the years that are still ahead of you and on your body that has yet to grow, and against hoping that your negative character traits will solve themselves once you grow - because though you may grow older in years, you, the person inside, will stay the same. Therefore, dear student, if you want to protect yourself from a sickness for which there is virtually no cure, chas v'shalom, then be very careful not to miss out on any opportunities in avodas Hashem. Don't say, "I'll do it tomorrow" or "I'll wait awhile before doing such-and-such.” The earlier the age at which you start to work on yourself and your character as we have outlined here, the better and easier it will be for you to transform even the tiniest elements of yourself.
The Rebbe makes it clear that the adult world should envy the younger generation. Youth have potential on their side, as the Mishnah so aptly describes the teaching of children to writing on clean paper. When parents over manage their children’s life , they deny them the opportunity to grow and become who they can.
Teachers are fortunate to be able to see children horizontally (at a particular moment), whereas parents see their children longitudinally (over time). As a result, teachers can pick up in a few minutes what parent-child patterns may be at play and not serving the child (or parent). Examples might include: parents organising their child's school bag, correcting their child's homework before giving it in, stopping by the school to drop off a forgotten lunch or even completing a child’s project (I’m guilt of this one).
The problem with this overt display of parental chessed is that they may disable the child from organising their own backpack; hide what the child didn't know in their homework; stop the child from learning to remember what he needs to bring to school each morning; or remove the child's responsibility for their own learning.
In a school in Delaware they have a fascinating motto “This is a no rescue school." Such an idea runs counter to many public messages, where “good” parenting entails performing an action. In this case, the school's model of parenting or teaching promotes a non-action. This school embraced students' internal skill development. It wasn't trying to “pave the way," but instead to let kids stumble over and around the rocks and boulders on their path. The idea is obvious, let a child make a mistake and learn from it. Don’t berate the school, support your child and pick them up. Is this not encoded in the Posuk “Ki sheva yipol Tzaddik vekum.” Clearly the Tzaddik has the freedom to become the righteous role model even though he may fall.
Schools and parents must value these inner skills and instead of steering kids toward success, they must allow safe struggle? Students must learn to solve problems in life (friends, homework, and emotional regulation) and not just in math class? What if kids were taught accountability very young, so they could know that ownership of their feelings and behaviours was empowering, because they were in charge of themselves? What if kids learned to self-regulate through mindfulness, breathing techniques, and assertive communication?
The cost is childhood extending to age twenty-five or thirty. The cost is the kid's mental and emotional health as he or she lacks the skills needed to navigate independently, which in turn creates more anxiety, depression, and apathy.
The holiday will be over soon and be’ezras Hashem our children will return to school. When you havefinished looking in the mirror what changes will you make? What new demands will you have of yourself and of your school. If we don’t equip our children with the emotional resilience to accept failure and new beginnings we doom an entire generation of adults. So let the adults be grown up and give the children the chance they need.
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