It's often assumed that family is at the very heart of Judaism. It would be incorrect to say that every mitzvah is all about family, but it's clear that that a family unit is the ideal state for humanity. It is within the family that we learn to love and to give that we discover our traditions and have the opportunity to bequeath the traditions to the next generation thereby ensuring continuity of our people. Nevertheless, by the time we reach the end of the first book of the Torah we discover just how challenging families can be. But having a family is a complicated experience. The very first family fell apart through fratricide. Generations pass and Noach and his family spend a tense year together in close quarters. The Torah doesn't describe any positive interactions we don't have any good times or any bad times but as the generations change there is at least one branch of every family that gets excluded gets passed over until the Torah tells us about Abraham that through Yitzchok alone will he build his family.
It is almost as if the entire first book of the Torah is bracketed with the concept of family. The last family we meet also wanted to kill their brother just like Kayin killed Hevel. Thankfully thei
r plan was scrapped and they decided to sell him instead. As we bid farewell to Yaakov we read how he was surrounded by his loving family. They had achieved some form of unity of purpose in his final moments, but it was not perfect. They panicked that Yoseph would finally take revenge for all the evils they had perpetrated against him.
In our own settings, we too struggle with family. It's difficult to balance competing likes and dislikes needs and phobias. Each member of the family seeks self-fulfillment and self-expression, at times these can clash. In worse case scenarios, families can be the breeding grounds for distrust suspicion and hatred. Alternatively, families can provide love and belonging a place just to be where there is no fear of judgments or recriminations, somewhere to be accepted.
This missive is being written from Manchester airport where we are waiting to board a flight to Eretz Yisroel for my nephew's Bar Mitzvah. There is not much to do other than people watch, which happens to be a personal favourite past time. There is a lot to learn from the way families interact when there are no immediate pressing needs other than saunter over to the correct gate for boarding. It's also true that according to seforim hakedoshim we see what the Eibishter wants us to see and therefore there are lessons to be learnt for our avodas Hashem.
Family #1
A young dad was attempting and succeeding to entertain his young child. He was pretending to run away and have his child catch him. The child was squealing in delight as his little legs attempted to close the gap.
Family #2
I never actually met or saw this family. Their names were repeatedly called over the tannoy. They should have boarded the plane and had not yet gone to the gate. I'm not so sure of the point of checking in suitcases, surviving security and then not being there on time for boarding.
Family #3
The newlyweds. They had no children yet. They were stopped by security for additional checks. Their clothes and bags were scrutinised obsessively for traces of narcotics. I watched in admiration how they maintained their dignity in what was quite a public humiliation. After what must have seemed to them a long time they were free to continue on to the plane.
Whilst watching family number one I was overcome by a simple idea that we know is true but perhaps don't always internalise. We describe Hashem as our father consequently we must be his children. At the end of the Torah, Moshe describes a terrifying reality that of Hester ponim. There are times when Hashem appears to be away from us running away as we struggle to keep up and no matter how fast we run we never seem to be quite keeping up with Hashem. The child running after her father might have thought the father was running away. They might have looked up anxiously questioning will I catch up with my daddy but the daddy knew he was never going to leave his child he was always really there and what appears to be a distance is really just an expression of his love asking his child to make more of an effort to grow to have faith in their relationship that the child wants to connect with the father he will be there for them.
In the same way, I believe we might experience that distance from Hashem. Truthfully though it's only our perception rather than a statement of reality. We might sense that there's a gap, a void between us. From the perspective of Hashem he's always really looking over his shoulders saying I'm here I'm not really going to run away from you. If you only knew how much I love you, you wouldn't panic but keep walking towards me and know that I am there.
Family number two (who for some reason decided not to turn up to the boarding on time) there are people who spend their lives complaining life's not fair why don't I have what I want. Everybody else is going places everybody else's flying high and my life is so difficult but sometimes we have to ask ourselves whether that's true whether that's just because of the choices they are making, surely somebody who doesn't turn up to that flight and is forced to miss the flight can't complain that others are in the air and their stuck on the ground if they didn't take the opportunities that are presented to them. We speak about a gate at the end of Yom Kippur we know that gate is closing and we Daven our hearts out because we feel we got a sense of it's now or never. The lesson for our avodas Hashem is to be present, to say hineini I am here. Hashem wants us to be present and we decide to absent ourselves it is our own mistakes that we must be accountable for. From the beginning of time Hashem has called out where are you man where are you, I want you to connect with me. Let's make sure that when it’s our time we will be at that boarding gate, we won't have to hear Hashem call our names because we will be able to say I am here.
The final lesson I took from my experience at the airport watching the two young people, was that we are not always going to be able to understand why we are being singled out, why are we being challenged with something especially when it's so public. The humiliation is real but by keeping quiet by accepting what's going on we actually succeed in overcoming the challenge. The challenge might have been are you going to speak out, are you going to make a scene are you going to make a fool of yourself. The couple had done no wrong, they kept quiet accepting their situation and it passed quickly.
So, the next time your interactions cause you to pause and wonder what is going on ask yourself what does Hashem want from me, appreciate those who are around you for themselves and for the lessons they teach you, especially those that teach us how to be a better Jew and a better human being.
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